We'll miss you Lisa

I've been trying for a full day now to put into words a decent enough post trying to honor my cousin Lisa. It's been difficult because I've been bombarded with a diluge of other emotions that have been keeping me from it. We lost my cousin Lisa over the weekend. I just want to tell all of Lisa's family that I love them and I'm sending my thoughts and prayers their way.

When I found out about Lisa's passing yesterday, I felt unanchored, floating. I couldn't connect with anything. I talked with my husband to try and figure out my emotions. He said something striking. He said I wasn't just mourning Lisa's passing, but I was mourning them, everyone we've lost all over again. I think that's true.

Every time we lose someone in the family, my thoughts not only pause on that person but on all the others we've lost too. Since Lisa's passing yesterday, I've thought about Aunt Jan, and my grandmother, about cousin Randy, and of course all the brothers, all my uncles, their wives, their children. I can't help but sift through a catalogue of the lost. I keep running through memory after memory of each member that we've lost over the years.

It seems so unfair to face what we've faced as a family, to face what we've faced as individuals. I'm not sure that I can talk about all of this right now. It doesn't seem like the right time for me. I'll let John Carlson's articles say it for me.

As for Cousin Lisa, I'll say this. I remember one summer, before any of the uncles got too sick, we had all gathered in Iowa. A bunch of us decided to "float the river". It was a perfect summer day. I was in a canoe with Lisa and my mom, sitting in the middle, splashing the water around and getting splashed in return. Lisa and my mom didn't have the greatest of canoe skills and at one point, when we were about to dock for shore, they flipped the canoe over. Everything got soaked. Towels, our packed lunches, ourselves, we all took a plunge in the river. We laughed and joked about it. It was a sweet moment and I want to thank Lisa for giving it to me.

We'll all miss you.