Friday, April 23, 2010

My New Struggle

It's been three plus years since I've written in this blog. A lot has happened in that time. I had a child. I lost a child. Those two sentences don't really do the last three years justice, but in short that's exactly what happened. Soon after my last post, I found out a I was pregnant and my life no longer involved beads and blog posts and instead involved diapers and suction equipment and endless doctor visits and a dozen different specialists. That sentence doesn't even do it justice. The last two years of my life have been spent watching the most special of lives thrive, struggle, learn to thrive, only struggle again and again for two years. And again words fail.

And words will always fail me in the effort of describing the beautiful angel I had the pleasure of knowing and learning from in the past two years. He was the most incredible individual anyone I know has ever met and words haven't even been created to describe him, his beauty, his persistence, his perseverence, his spirit. And his spirit was incredibly strong, stronger than anyone I have ever met, dare I say even stronger than my grandmother's.

My mother has continually compared me to my grandmother. She's said time and again that she's proud the two strongest people she's ever had the pleasure of meeting are her mother and her daughter. Not feint praise in the least, and not something I feel I'm completely deserving of, at least not yet.

And there's a buried truth I don't think my mother understands, not fully. We're strong because they made us so. My grandmother dug down and found a faith, a strength she didn't have because the tragedy she was in asked it of her, her sons asked it of her, time and time again. My son asked it of me as well, with every set back, with every piece of bad news I was forced to find a new inner strength I didn't know I was capable of. And I'm asked to do it again in his absence. I don't feel capable of it right now, but I'll try because I think he is asking it of me once again.

I don't know what this blog will look like now, heck I don't know what my life will look like now, much less the blog. It will probably evolve as my grief evolves and changes. All I know is that I think I need this, now more than ever.