Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Dear Aunt Clare, Part II

Dear Aunt Clare;

"Hospice is here. The prognosis is not good." That's what the text message read yesterday. The threads of the time we have with you seem to be disappearing as we speak.

"We might have weeks. We might have days," my mom said when I called. "She's as comfortable as we can make her."

I still haven't decided what to do yet. That old farmhouse could house an army, and has, sort of, but do I want to be in it during this difficult time? I don't want to feel like a burden, like another body the family has to maneuver around, but I still have this urge to have a moment with you, however brief. I don't know that this is my right though, that it's something I deserve to have, but I want it anyway.

I don't know whether to bring your great-niece either. She's not making memories right now, so I wouldn't be introducing the two of you for her benefit. You've never seen her, except for in my womb, and I think you'd love to meet her, but what would that meeting do? Would it bring you a measure of peace? Because if so I'm on the next plane out.

So many questions lingering in the ether.

I still haven't decided what to do about a rosary either. I know you have one. It's a bracelet, not a full-length rosary, but grandma is still with you. The sad thing is, right now, I can't remember which one is yours. I didn't document it here like I should. I have pictures though, but sadly, there were so many I don't remember which one what yours. How sad is that? Is this one it?

Or was it this one?

I can't quite remember.

I want to make you a full length one, and I want everyone to be incorporated. I have so many beads now, from so many people. Imagine if I could make you one, with beads from your grandmother, from all your sisters, yes even Jan, and even Lisa, and from your mother's sisters and from your daughters. How beautiful would that be, to have this rosary, or necklace, or this super long chain that has piece of everyone you love near you when you need comfort.

Would you like that? Would that bring you peace? Because I'd do it in a heartbeat.

So many questions, and all of the sudden more tears than I know how to handle. I have a lot to figure out ad not a lot of time to do it in, but no matter what I chose, I'll be thinking of you and wishing you peace.

Aunt Clare, I love you.



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